Dealing with Child Abuse when You were the Child

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Thanks to Bobby Creech who made me aware of that yesterday, in the aftermath of a pretty awful conversation I had on Facebook yesterday.

In a post about cooking, I ended up talking to someone who supports pederasty, and who was making the argument that kids who are under the age of consent who engage in sexual relationships with adults should be held equally accountable in courts of law.

In the process, he ended up suggesting that kids as young as 12 should know better than to have sex with adults, and if they do, they are culpable.

He suggested that the majority of the time, adults who are prosecuted under statutory rape laws have had the younger kids throwing themselves at the adult, begging for sex, and even providing false IDs to prove their age, and it obviously wasn't the adult's fault or problem or responsibility to say, uh, no, it's wrong to have sex with someone that much younger than me.

I was horrified. I had no idea that people like that were out there. I was more than a little pissed about it, and I reacted publicly and privately in ways that surprised even me.

Because I was sexually molested by a 17 year old when I was 6.

If you want the details, they're below, but this post isn't about a cathartic expression of my pain and my experience. I have been through all that, and I've been through therapy, and I've dealt with it in the ways that people familiar with Hermetic systems of thought deal with things, and I'm happy to say I'm ok with myself now, even though I'm not ok with anyone defending pederasty or pedophilia.

I'm including the details because other people have been through it, and haven't dealt with it, and sometimes it helps to see that they aren't alone. That's not the point of this post though. In brief, I was molested by an older male, he convinced me it was ok, but also that we had to hide it, and years later when I tried to tell my family about it, they got angry at me for bringing it up.

And that's the pattern that people who are abused go through, and it's not ok. Since this is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, I'd like to talk about how to deal with it if you're an adult victim of child abuse, and also to discuss things we can do as a community to protect others from predators.

How Many People are Molested?

So to be completely frank, I have no idea how many people are molested. No one does, and no one can, because we keep that crap to ourselves until we've dealt with it.

But here's an actual fact that you probably don't want to think about:

I have never become close friends with anyone, male or female, who does not have a story to tell about how they were molested, abused, or raped by someone older than them as a child or adolescent. It comes out over beers, or lots of liquor, or in bed with partners where we're safe and trusting each other, or after years of building trust and openness, or after they've been in therapy for a while and we're having lunch and I look over and they're haunted and I ask what's up, and they feel safe enough to say, "I'm working through some abuse issues with my therapist, and it's hard."

Everyone I've ever been emotionally bonded with enough to open up that part of their lives has had an experience like mine.

EVERYONE.

So I'm just going to assume that if you're reading this, you were molested, and I'm going to walk you through what I went through and how I got over some of the worst parts, even though I'm still dealing with shit that just won't go away.

Therapy Works

I got therapy, and it helped.

I went in for anger management issues. I was being verbally and mentally abusive with my spouse, according to her, and I believed it was all my fault, so I went in and got the therapies.

Almost immediately, the doctor asked if I'd been molested as a child. He got me to talk about it, in detail, and helped me understand it in ways I hadn't even considered my whole life. He got me to talk about how it made me feel when I hit puberty. He got me to express my concerns that I was gay because I had enjoyed the bonding and the sexual pleasure I received, and the feelings of pride that I felt because my abuser was also pleased with my performance. He helped me get down into the deep and gritty feelings I felt about that situation, and to see that it was mostly biological, natural, and normal reactions that human beings have to stimuli of that type.

He got me to see that the older person in that kind of relationship is using these natural biological and psychological stimulations of pleasure and approval by older members of the tribe to satiate his own sexual lusts. He let me understand that I was being manipulated, played like a piano that is designed to make notes, but in ways that were damaging because I wasn't ready for it yet.

The "praying for forgiveness afterward" thing appalled even him.

But definitely get therapy with someone who gets it. Chances are the therapists went through it too, so don't worry about it. They've dealt with worse cases than yours, or are worse cases than you. And if not, they still know how to handle it. It's their job to help you feel better about this stuff. And it works.

Therapy is great because you don't actually know how "being molested" is affecting you until you've gotten a chance to work through it and have a chance to be released from the shame and conditioning. Truth is awesome, and even sharing it with one person who can hear it without judging you releases you from so much of the weight of what we bear.

So get therapy, fam. We needs it. If you can't afford it, find free stuff. It's out there. Click that picture above and use the resources.

If you're a victim of molestation and abuse as a child, and now you're a poor and uninsured adult, it's probably related to being molested and how you see your own value as a human being. Dealing with the devaluation of the self that comes with being molested puts you in a position where you understand that it wasn't your fault and you aren't broken and without value, and you find yourself asking for more money, and more benefits as you become more comfortable with the idea that you are actually awesome, and not some piece of flesh here for the amusement and pleasure of others.

Understand Sexuality

The next thing that has helped me with this "being abused" thing is actually getting to understand what sexuality is all about.

Sex is amazing. I have a huge libido, and I love sex. I consider myself omni-sexual, though I prefer the ladies, and I have come to terms with the idea that as a male human, I will sexually enjoy almost anything that is both hot and moist when it is rhythmically applied to my genitalia. That's what's going on at the baseline of Joshua Gadbois, most of the time: I wants to has the sexorz.

But that's not all I am, of course. That's the basic biological feedback loop, but that doesn't mean I don't have social, tribal, mental, moral, ethical, and ego-istic overlays that channel that drive into ways that are healthy or unhealthy, depending on the situation.

Take some time to get to understand the sexual imperative that drives humanity as primates on the Earth. Look at it biologically. Learn to see how much of your personal behavior is actually about sex, all the time.

Also, compare and contrast how much of your behavior that is related with sex with those aspects of your behavior that aren't about sex all the time. Study yourself. Get to know what part of you is driving your choices, and learn to differentiate, and choose which parts of you are driving in the moment. It becomes a powerful thing.

Other People Don't Want to Hear It; Don't Be That Person When Folks Tell You

One of the most common things that happens to abused folks is that when we try to tell people we were abused, they don't believe us, or if they do, they try to shut us the hell up before we make a stink about it. That happened to me. My dad gets red and looks like he's going to have a heart attack if I bring up that guy these days.

So I don't.

My dad's not a bastard, and I love him, and I don't want to stress him out.

And that's how abusers get away with it. I'm part of the problem. That's shitty.

But I'm here for people who come to me with their experiences. I listen. I tell them it's not their fault, and that they should get counseling. Like in this blog post. I hug them in real life. I don't make fun of them.

When people bring it up, I do joke about how it actually felt good at the time, and how shitty that has been to deal with ever since. Mostly because that's been the biggest source of guilt and self-recrimination over the years. I joke about it because we joke about things to normalize them.

And I want to normalize the pain so that people experiencing it don't feel alone.

You were molested, but had an orgasm? Yea, that's both awful and awesome at the same time. On the downside, you were molested, but on the up side, every douche bag bragging about getting laid at 14 in the locker room was secretly your putz and you kinda felt cool about that, even though you also were crushed by the idea it made you somehow less of a person.

Making light of it doesn't make it light. It does, I hope, make it obvious that we all had that, and we all hated it, and enjoyed it at the same time.

Remember, that's why they get away with it. Because it's them taking advantage of nature and society to get off at your expense. That's what makes them predators.

It's not your fault.

Listen to people when they tell you they were abused. The first people abuse victims go to are friends and family.

THEY WILL NOT START WITH SAYING THEY ARE ABUSED.

They will float balloons, skirt the issue. If they finally come out and say they were abused, they will expect to be disbelieved, to have excuses made for the abuser.

And guess what, folks, that's you who makes excuses for your friends and family who are fucking over your friends and family, even when you were fucked over by your friends and family.

We all have circles of friends that include the creepy dude who stares too long, or who we know gets drunk and is inappropriate, or who we all suspect is a pedo, but we don't say anything. When we are approached with allegations of misconduct, the biological tribal response is to protect the herd:

Dave? Yeah, he gets handsy when he's drunk.

Steve? No, not Steve, he's not like that.

Joe? I just had pizza with Joe, he'd never do that.

And then what follows?

"Are you sure that's what happened?"

And then what?

"Can you prove it?"

Look, hopefully by now you get that we're chemical-infused animals working together to survive on planet Earth, most of the time. Protecting the herd is intrinsic, and that's our first instinct. Even when we've been abused, we are more likely to challenge the victim trying to get help from their tribe.

Don't do this.

If someone tells you they have been abused, listen. Listen to their story. Ask if they want to give more details. Offer help, suggest counseling, but listen.

And then take it to heart.

The person accused should immediately be suspect, regardless of social status and common regard by the rest of the tribe. Their reputation, skill sets, income, and prestige matters not jack, nor shit at that point.

If you have someone in your tribe fucking children or women over, fuck them, get rid of them. They are poison in the well.

Take it Up with the Source

As a Hermetic Magician, I travel through the Planetary Spheres regularly to gain initiation, integration, and insight into the kinds of forces that commingle to create this world we experience.

Even the molestation events are sourced in the planetary spheres, in different ways. There is a huge value to be found in taking our experiences, both positive and negative, to the spirit intelligences that we conjure in each of the planetary spheres to help understand what the actual fuck was going on.

And it brings you to peace over the situation. Every time we ascend the heavens and return in power, it is an alchemical act. When we take our most putrid experiences up and expose them to the heat of transformation, the impurities rise to the surface, and are consumed, evaporated, and dispelled, leaving a purified experience that brings wisdom instead of anger, peace instead of pain, and understanding instead of violence.

But it never dispels wrath. There is a just and righteous anger, and it gets to manifest when it needs to, just like everything else.

Taking our issues up through the spheres can help eliminate those parts of the experience that leave us with self destructive tendencies. I talked earlier about how we can feel less valuable to society and not go after higher paying jobs, but that's just money. Being molested can make us feel like we are here to please others in relationships as well. Or that our appearance of smiling joy in spite of the pain is ok. Or that we are doing the right thing by sublimating our anger, or by not ruining someone's life by letting what they did become public.

Each sphere can help you understand what you're going through, and a conjuration of the intelligence, a discussion of the issue, and then sitting to listen and observe what they have to tell you can be life changing.

And when you're done, you're in a really great place to curse the fuck out of the bastard that did it to you.

In Conclusion

So this has been one of the less-fun things I've had to write about. I hate that evil should be wrought in the world, and especially when it hits me and mine. But folks, this is us, and we live here.

So maybe you weren't abused, awesome. Maybe you were. You're awesome anyway. You were perfect, and that fucker was wrong.

If you were abused, please get help getting "over it" even though we never really do. Even when you think you're awesome, some fucker will try to tell you it's somehow the kids' fault for tempting the adults, and you'll just want to kill them, and that's ok too. As long as you don't, even if you want to.

You've earned the right to want to kill them.

And be ready to listen to someone talking to you about it. Don't doubt them because you think you know the abuser and they'd never do that.

And don't make excuses for them.

Listen. Love. Support. Be there.

And check out the resources for National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Some of them might be dumb, some might be super effective.

But read the fine print, and get the help you need.

Because a better you makes it a better world for the rest of us.

My Details of Abuse

My parents had started a charismatic christian church in Herscher, Illinois, population 1200, along with two other local charismatic families. Altogether, there were 6-8 adults meeting in a store front once a week to share sermons, and they took turns as "Pastor." Between them, there were 12 kids that all got put together when the adults were doing church stuff, ranging from the 17 year old abuser to me, the youngest.

He would babysit my sister and I when my parents went out, and he convinced me to do inappropriate things that I thought were cool and felt good at the time, but then he'd take me into the bathroom and we'd kneel and pray for forgiveness afterward, and he'd make me promise not to tell my parents. After a couple of these sessions, I was like, wait, if we have to pray for forgiveness and can't tell anyone, then I don't want to do it anymore, and when he tried to make me, I told him I'd tell, I'd tell everyone.

It's strange, I can remember a lot about that whole experience, but I can't remember the guy's name.

I told my parents about it 25 years later, when they were leaving my nephew with kids from their church that they trusted. My dad got pissed and told me the abuser was a family man now, with kids of his own who "didn't need this shit." I was like, dad, I'm not going to sue him or anything, I'm asking you to protect my nephew because you didn't protect me. He hung up on me, and we haven't talked about it since.

Living with Depression, Anxiety, and Social Angst

There's this myth that if you have everything you need, a basically fulfilling life, friends, family, enough income to have a little left over after all the bills are covered, that you won't feel depressed, anxious, or generally pissed off at the world.

If you've got everything you're told you need to have that should make you happy and content, and you still get depressed, anxious, or just nasty-tempered towards the world, then there must be something wrong with you, right? You must be broken if you're surrounded by things that actually do make you happy, but you still wouldn't get out of bed in the morning if you didn't have to, right?

Nope.

I've basically got the ideal White American Male life. I've got a fan base, and I get to live like a mini-rock star at conference events, and I confess, that's as awesome as it sounds. I've got a great job that pays scads in a niche no one understands, so I don't have to do a lot of work to make everyone think I'm a guru. I have an awesome relationship, my kids are doing AMAZING in school, and I have an active social life.

But I still get depressed, and anxious, and occasionally wish death upon a sixth of the humans on the planet.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the debilitating clinical depression that makes you unable to function in society that might need to be treated by a trained professional with medications. I get my job done, I get clean even though I work from home, I do housework, I go out and socialize regularly. I do a lot of volunteer work.

I'm functional and stuff, and I actually have a ton of fun when I'm doing some of those things.

But in between the things I'm doing, there are a lot of times where I just sit here and feel dead inside. Or I can't sit here, because there's something I should be doing that I am not doing, and I just know I'm going to get in trouble for it. Or I'm seething in an infinite silent rage because I literally and actually hate everyone, even though I know every man and every woman is a star.

I figured out recently that there's actually nothing wrong with this. It's normal, and the older you get, the more it happens. Life is hard, and taxing. It is weary work that never ends. You'd have to be insane, stupid, or have absolutely no memory to not get sick of it eventually, and have the burden of all the absolute bullshit we have to deal with get overwhelming on occasion.

And that's ok.

So folks, speaking as someone who's accomplished the Great Work of the Western Mystery Tradition, created the Philosopher's Stone that is the True Panacea with which miracles can be worked, I'm telling you, don't expect life to be unending positive feelings all the time. Sometimes we feel shitty.

If you've ever read the tragic life story of Keanu Reeves, it's sort of inspirational to see how he's dealt with all the crap life can throw at you, and yet he continues to go on. He suffered more grief in his life than most, and it's actually worth researching him if you've gotten to the part of your life where you're usually, when not otherwise preoccupied, in one of the phases of grief. He managed to come to terms with it, and I think I've sort of found a similar method of dealing with it. A couple of quotes from him that illustrate the reality of life as I've seen it are, "[some people] have to be happy to live - I don't," and "Grief changes shape, but it never ends."

So how do we live with this? We just do. Some things that help me get over it are:

• Stop thinking you're broken if you're sad for no apparent reason. All those things that are "supposed" to make you happy just don't. Even the ones that are super positive and creative. You can create your world like a boss and still feel like it's a drag to experience it. 
• Help someone else with something. Give them a ride, some good advice, listen to them bitch a lot, buy them flowers or a beer, tell them a joke. Say something meaningful that isn't political or angry or sarcastic or rude, just say something nice to someone.
• Remember you won't be sad all the time. These feelings come and go, and when they're around, you just go through it and come out the other side.
• Use the stupid tips and tricks, they don't hurt. Do some art. Do a ritual. Go to the gym, or for a walk. Have some comfort food. Have a drink, or something. Go bowling. Play pinball, or arcade games, something dumb and pointless. 
• Don't feel bad if they don't work. 
• Get used to it, because it doesn't end. Life is a lot of fun, a lot of joy, a lot of pleasure, but no matter how happy you are, you'll still feel down, scared, and angry as long as you're a human being, and that's ok.

I think the most important part is to stop beating yourself up over it. There is no guilt or blame. It comes, it goes, and you have fun in between the times it's around. 

All you have to do is live until you die, and you're doing great at it so far. 

And honestly, you're feeling all these things because of everyone else. It's not you. 

It's them.

The bastards.

What's wrong with prosperity?

"Gotta make this money and I make this money
This money is me this money is everything I do and see
Who you to judge me?"

-Kid Rock, Fist of Rage

A friend of mine posted the quote below on a social networking site, and I couldn't help but think the thing he's poking fun of sounds a whole lot like most of what I've written for about five years, and basically how I still feel today:

It doesn't have my name on it, but ...

I really do believe the idea behind Hermetics is that we're all supposed to aspire to being 'beacons of enlightenment,' while simultaneously entangling ourselves in the material world.

I don't think that because it sounds good, or because my favorite invisible voices told me so, I believe it because when you get down into Hermetics, in the core texts that are supposed to sum it up, that's what it says you're supposed to do. The Emerald Tablet of Hermes says so. You are a holy thing born on the Earth under special circumstances. You are to ascend through the heavens. You are to return in power. You are to create the World.

The Phases of the Alchemical Great Work also say that's what you're supposed to do. You are to purify the base material. You are to then configure it to accomplish a specific outcome. You are then to create the Philosopher's Stone. You are then to grind it up and use it to heal the sick, and to increase longevity.

The Abramelin rite is about going through a ritual purification rite, a spiritual retreat, a series of increasingly fervent ecstatic rites of adoration, and achieving a mental state so altered that you become aware of the Holy Guardian Angel in a conscious and bi-directional manner. What happens next? You go through the elemental/terrestrial/infernal realms and obtain four elemental entities that will serve you as you go through life, bringing all the things that the society of the time equated with prosperity.

The Stele of Jeu is designed to put you in touch with otherworldly powers that will then put all the terrestrial spirits and spells of the gods under your command and control. The Supernatural Assistant rite is designed to bring you a familiar spirit who can take care of your very-specifically-material-world-related needs, and also to provide you access to those spirits that control such things. Also to embalm your material body in a way that prepares you to become a god at your death.

Are we supposed to become beacons of enlightenment? I dunno. I don't think everyone needs to have a web site advertising their revealed pathway to emotional well being, spiritual attainment, perpetual happiness, and financial security.

But I do think we all look around at the world and see that it's got a lot of room for improvement. The things in our experienced worlds that we don't like are the things we are empowered through the Work to address. If you're doing the Work, you will be in a position to reveal solutions to problems, to uncover ways to make things better, to take that which is hidden in darkness and bring a light to bear that eliminates sources of frustration, confusion, and pain. You will find yourself doing it out of habit, because as you go through the spheres and talk to the angels, that's what you end up doing. You lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. You conjure up Archangels, you get up with Powers.

And Principalities, and Kerubs, and Seraphs, and Ishim.

And when you become a thing-fixer, people notice. They come to you with problems to fix. They ask you not just to fix things, but to help them understand how they got broken. Then they want to know how to fix things themselves. Then they end up helping others.

That's the Great Work. You do become a beacon of enlightenment, and people come to you like moths to a ... beacon of enlightenment.

But entangled in the material world?

Well... I mean, yea. Most of the rites I base my tradition on are all about that. Four elemental kingdoms, four quarters, four archangels, four ... kings of hell I think? Maybe three. I can't recall. Agrippa teaches the elements first. The more Work you do, the more you'll understand about how the material world manifests, whether as politicians or job opportunities, or vacations to Venusberg.

One of the things that happens to people when they go through the process is that they find there's something they're really good at doing that makes them really happy. When they figure out what it is that makes them the most content within the time and space of the rest of their lives, they also start looking for ways to do that thing, or those things as often as possible, in a way that maintains the joy of the experience.

And to do that thing, while they are alive, they will need a material body to do it with. And that body will need food and drink and sleep and shelter and clothing and a way to pay for those things even when it is too old to provide the basic necessities on a daily basis.

And honestly guys, the whole "Merge With the Godhead" thing is not the end-state of Hermetics. It's just the first step. Once you plug back in, you become fully human, and that's when your adventure begins. That's when you start the fun part, creating what you want, and then tweaking it until it hums just right, then doing it again if you feel like it.

Why else would a grown up play with trains?

But as my friend went on to point out, there's more to it than just that...

So I get where he's coming from here. I don't have the same understanding of "enlightenment" or "liberation" that he has. I consider the idea of "liberation" from materialism to be an oligarchist plot extending back millenia to keep wealth within a single genetic tribe. For obviously bullshit reasons.

Politics aside...

Yes, there are a lot of Hermetic and Gnostic traditions that say the material realm is shit. There is a lot of the old Gnostic influence that says everything material is painful and everything spiritual releases us from that pain. There's a lot of talk in even our Western traditions that associates "desire" for material things, and attachments thereof with "Suffering."

But frankly, I think they're wrong. I don't play fast and loose with the definition of liberation and enlightenment, I very carefully point to selected aspects of our Hermetic tradition that actually define this thing we do as the process of establishing ourselves firmly in the material realm so that we can continue to do the things we incarnated to accomplish.

I'm not discounting those folks who advise asceticism. Go for it. Punish the flesh, and understand it, and tell me what you learn. I bet you come to the same conclusions as those with four elemental familiars that obey their desires and manifest their Will came to through the Abramelin rite:

The flesh is a sensor bank through which we experience existence, and through which we cast our spells, our attempts to change the experiences coming our way next.

But then what? Keep on being ascetic? Sure, if you want.

Life is really pretty easy, when you get down to brass tacks. No one needs 6 figures a year to do their Will. It's usually not necessary.

But it's not wrong either. I can do my Will rich as easily as I can do it poor. And have better drinks. I like that, and it's totally preference.

But hey, if you're a middle class wanker who thinks I'm assuring you that you'll be merging with Godhead any day now because you did magic on the weekends, you aren't reading the instructions.

It's on weekdays in planetary hours, and when you reach the "godhead" you'll just find a really good human instead, and manifesting that really good human doesn't happen over night, and it's not any easier than reaching that state in the first place was...

Interruption: this just in...

Dammit. I hate when I put all this into something to prove a point and the point wasn't even being challenged.

It does look like you go up and get empowered, illuminated, enlightened, return and create a world that works the way you like when Hermetics is done right. And yea, you elevate the world as a result.

But you don't do that by disconnecting from materialism completely, and I'd bet most folks that propose this is the way are on disability.

But yea, anyway, prosperity isn't wrong. It's OK to do well, and this stuff we do... it works to make it better.

How to Be a Better Person Instead of Making Excuses for Mediocrity

So I wrote this on Facebook, and I figured this is something that is actually more applicable here on the Work of Kings blog. I saw this pic, and while I understand where the original creator was coming from, I think it excuses way too much and puts you into the position of settling for mediocrity and failure, justifying mistakes, and excusing poor behavior and bad decisions.

The Original Picture as Seen on Facebook

So I took the captions under each picture and rewrote them the way I thought they should have been written, if you're a King. The following is the result.

Your mistakes are the results of poor decisions, poor planning, or poor information gathering skills. Don't fuck up anymore.

Look at other people and see what they're doing right, and see how you can do that too in your own way. Don't be a loser.

There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. If the way you are doing things isn't accomplishing the desired results, you are doing it wrong. Change that shit.

If you believe something unpopular, evaluate whether or not you're a fucked up asshole with entitlement issues. If you're not, figure out why everyone else doesn't see what you see, and find a way to show them. There's probably money to be made there.

Pay attention to people who criticize you. Listen to what they say, and if they are right, change yourself to be right. If they are wrong, they can fuck right off. Regardless, consider cursing them.

Your weakness is not a feature, it is a weakness. Learn to compensate for your weaknesses with your strengths. Be strong.

Look at your past as a series of choices made based on resources you had and information you believed, and figure out if it's really brought you to where you wanted to be. Change things that suck.

PRACTICE makes talent awesome. Practice makes even people without a talent in an area skillful. Apply PRACTICE to everything you want to be better in your life.

Everyone else is as fucked up as you are, but they're excusing it while you're getting over your shit. You are better than they are.

Unwarranted self-esteem is the most annoying thing on the planet. If you feel really good about yourself even though you're completely disfunctional and incapable of accomplishing what you want, you're more likely to think it's not you, it's everyone else. But really, it's you. You are your biggest problem. Be happy with what you do that you like. Fix the things you do that don't work.

Express your anger in a creative way. This is spot on. Quit destroying yourself and others in your world with your uncreative repressed rage. Fuck some shit up that leads to rebirth and renewal for a change.

Surround yourself with peers and superiors, and consider it a challenge before the whole human race that you will never lose. Then be better than them at everything you are interested in being better at than them.

Welcome to the Work of Kings

A long long time ago, I had a vision of how things ought to work in the world. I'd been working on the implementation of ancient Hermetic experiments in the pursuit of the accomplishment of the Great Work.

I reached a particular phase of the Work, found liberty and joy, and I understood in that moment how to create a life worth living, worth enjoying within the time we have here...

But I also saw the crippled state of my fellow humans upon the Earth. What a sad lot we are. Jealous, angry, bitter, broke. Confused and distracted by hormones and hate, we build ourselves up one minute and tear ourselves down the next.

It hurt, a little. I understood in that moment the reasons behind the boddhisattva vow, the Rosicrucian injunction to heal the World, and why the Philosopher's Stone is the panacea.

So it's time I started the Projection phase of the Great Work. It was time to leave behind the "Head for the Red" blog, which I had started to track my pursuit of the Stone. It's time to move onward into the future, to do what needs to be done, to set my hand to the work it found, and to accomplish my Will and to speak my Word.

And that's what this blog will be all about: my Great Work. Spreading some truth that I hope sets some people free. Spreading some means and methods to be a little better than we were before. Spreading some ways to make a pile of cash so you don't have to worry about money anymore. Spreading some technology that brings your heart some peace in healthy relationships.

We'll wander away from the occult vocabulary here, and into frank and clear statements that are meaningful and useful. We'll be cutting the crap, and getting to the meat of the matter here, transformation of the self, self-awareness, and all that resembles it.

My Great Work is the Work of Kings.