Saturday, March 26, 2016

Living with Depression, Anxiety, and Social Angst

There's this myth that if you have everything you need, a basically fulfilling life, friends, family, enough income to have a little left over after all the bills are covered, that you won't feel depressed, anxious, or generally pissed off at the world.

If you've got everything you're told you need to have that should make you happy and content, and you still get depressed, anxious, or just nasty-tempered towards the world, then there must be something wrong with you, right? You must be broken if you're surrounded by things that actually do make you happy, but you still wouldn't get out of bed in the morning if you didn't have to, right?

Nope.

I've basically got the ideal White American Male life. I've got a fan base, and I get to live like a mini-rock star at conference events, and I confess, that's as awesome as it sounds. I've got a great job that pays scads in a niche no one understands, so I don't have to do a lot of work to make everyone think I'm a guru. I have an awesome relationship, my kids are doing AMAZING in school, and I have an active social life.

But I still get depressed, and anxious, and occasionally wish death upon a sixth of the humans on the planet.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the debilitating clinical depression that makes you unable to function in society that might need to be treated by a trained professional with medications. I get my job done, I get clean even though I work from home, I do housework, I go out and socialize regularly. I do a lot of volunteer work.

I'm functional and stuff, and I actually have a ton of fun when I'm doing some of those things.

But in between the things I'm doing, there are a lot of times where I just sit here and feel dead inside. Or I can't sit here, because there's something I should be doing that I am not doing, and I just know I'm going to get in trouble for it. Or I'm seething in an infinite silent rage because I literally and actually hate everyone, even though I know every man and every woman is a star.

I figured out recently that there's actually nothing wrong with this. It's normal, and the older you get, the more it happens. Life is hard, and taxing. It is weary work that never ends. You'd have to be insane, stupid, or have absolutely no memory to not get sick of it eventually, and have the burden of all the absolute bullshit we have to deal with get overwhelming on occasion.

And that's ok.

So folks, speaking as someone who's accomplished the Great Work of the Western Mystery Tradition, created the Philosopher's Stone that is the True Panacea with which miracles can be worked, I'm telling you, don't expect life to be unending positive feelings all the time. Sometimes we feel shitty.

If you've ever read the tragic life story of Keanu Reeves, it's sort of inspirational to see how he's dealt with all the crap life can throw at you, and yet he continues to go on. He suffered more grief in his life than most, and it's actually worth researching him if you've gotten to the part of your life where you're usually, when not otherwise preoccupied, in one of the phases of grief. He managed to come to terms with it, and I think I've sort of found a similar method of dealing with it. A couple of quotes from him that illustrate the reality of life as I've seen it are, "[some people] have to be happy to live - I don't," and "Grief changes shape, but it never ends."

So how do we live with this? We just do. Some things that help me get over it are:

  • Stop thinking you're broken if you're sad for no apparent reason. All those things that are "supposed" to make you happy just don't. Even the ones that are super positive and creative. You can create your world like a boss and still feel like it's a drag to experience it. 
  • Help someone else with something. Give them a ride, some good advice, listen to them bitch a lot, buy them flowers or a beer, tell them a joke. Say something meaningful that isn't political or angry or sarcastic or rude, just say something nice to someone.
  • Remember you won't be sad all the time. These feelings come and go, and when they're around, you just go through it and come out the other side.
  • Use the stupid tips and tricks, they don't hurt. Do some art. Do a ritual. Go to the gym, or for a walk. Have some comfort food. Have a drink, or something. Go bowling. Play pinball, or arcade games, something dumb and pointless. 
  • Don't feel bad if they don't work. 
  • Get used to it, because it doesn't end. Life is a lot of fun, a lot of joy, a lot of pleasure, but no matter how happy you are, you'll still feel down, scared, and angry as long as you're a human being, and that's ok.
I think the most important part is to stop beating yourself up over it. There is no guilt or blame. It comes, it goes, and you have fun in between the times it's around. 

All you have to do is live until you die, and you're doing great at it so far. 

And honestly, you're feeling all these things because of everyone else. It's not you. 

It's them.

The bastards.

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