Friday, April 15, 2016

Dealing with Child Abuse when You were the Child

National Child Abuse Prevention Month 2016
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Thanks to Bobby Creech who made me aware of that yesterday, in the aftermath of a pretty awful conversation I had on Facebook yesterday.

In a post about cooking, I ended up talking to someone who supports pederasty, and who was making the argument that kids who are under the age of consent who engage in sexual relationships with adults should be held equally accountable in courts of law.

In the process, he ended up suggesting that kids as young as 12 should know better than to have sex with adults, and if they do, they are culpable.

He suggested that the majority of the time, adults who are prosecuted under statutory rape laws have had the younger kids throwing themselves at the adult, begging for sex, and even providing false IDs to prove their age, and it obviously wasn't the adult's fault or problem or responsibility to say, uh, no, it's wrong to have sex with someone that much younger than me.

I was horrified. I had no idea that people like that were out there. I was more than a little pissed about it, and I reacted publicly and privately in ways that surprised even me.

Because I was sexually molested by a 17 year old when I was 6.

If you want the details, they're below, but this post isn't about a cathartic expression of my pain and my experience. I have been through all that, and I've been through therapy, and I've dealt with it in the ways that people familiar with Hermetic systems of thought deal with things, and I'm happy to say I'm ok with myself now, even though I'm not ok with anyone defending pederasty or pedophilia.

I'm including the details because other people have been through it, and haven't dealt with it, and sometimes it helps to see that they aren't alone. That's not the point of this post though. In brief, I was molested by an older male, he convinced me it was ok, but also that we had to hide it, and years later when I tried to tell my family about it, they got angry at me for bringing it up.

And that's the pattern that people who are abused go through, and it's not ok. Since this is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, I'd like to talk about how to deal with it if you're an adult victim of child abuse, and also to discuss things we can do as a community to protect others from predators.

How Many People are Molested?

So to be completely frank, I have no idea how many people are molested. No one does, and no one can, because we keep that crap to ourselves until we've dealt with it.

But here's an actual fact that you probably don't want to think about:

I have never become close friends with anyone, male or female, who does not have a story to tell about how they were molested, abused, or raped by someone older than them as a child or adolescent. It comes out over beers, or lots of liquor, or in bed with partners where we're safe and trusting each other, or after years of building trust and openness, or after they've been in therapy for a while and we're having lunch and I look over and they're haunted and I ask what's up, and they feel safe enough to say, "I'm working through some abuse issues with my therapist, and it's hard."

Everyone I've ever been emotionally bonded with enough to open up that part of their lives has had an experience like mine.

EVERYONE.

So I'm just going to assume that if you're reading this, you were molested, and I'm going to walk you through what I went through and how I got over some of the worst parts, even though I'm still dealing with shit that just won't go away.

Therapy Works

I got therapy, and it helped.

I went in for anger management issues. I was being verbally and mentally abusive with my spouse, according to her, and I believed it was all my fault, so I went in and got the therapies.

Almost immediately, the doctor asked if I'd been molested as a child. He got me to talk about it, in detail, and helped me understand it in ways I hadn't even considered my whole life. He got me to talk about how it made me feel when I hit puberty. He got me to express my concerns that I was gay because I had enjoyed the bonding and the sexual pleasure I received, and the feelings of pride that I felt because my abuser was also pleased with my performance. He helped me get down into the deep and gritty feelings I felt about that situation, and to see that it was mostly biological, natural, and normal reactions that human beings have to stimuli of that type.

He got me to see that the older person in that kind of relationship is using these natural biological and psychological stimulations of pleasure and approval by older members of the tribe to satiate his own sexual lusts. He let me understand that I was being manipulated, played like a piano that is designed to make notes, but in ways that were damaging because I wasn't ready for it yet.

The "praying for forgiveness afterward" thing appalled even him.

But definitely get therapy with someone who gets it. Chances are the therapists went through it too, so don't worry about it. They've dealt with worse cases than yours, or are worse cases than you. And if not, they still know how to handle it. It's their job to help you feel better about this stuff. And it works.

Therapy is great because you don't actually know how "being molested" is affecting you until you've gotten a chance to work through it and have a chance to be released from the shame and conditioning. Truth is awesome, and even sharing it with one person who can hear it without judging you releases you from so much of the weight of what we bear.

So get therapy, fam. We needs it. If you can't afford it, find free stuff. It's out there. Click that picture above and use the resources.

If you're a victim of molestation and abuse as a child, and now you're a poor and uninsured adult, it's probably related to being molested and how you see your own value as a human being. Dealing with the devaluation of the self that comes with being molested puts you in a position where you understand that it wasn't your fault and you aren't broken and without value, and you find yourself asking for more money, and more benefits as you become more comfortable with the idea that you are actually awesome, and not some piece of flesh here for the amusement and pleasure of others.

Understand Sexuality

The next thing that has helped me with this "being abused" thing is actually getting to understand what sexuality is all about.

Sex is amazing. I have a huge libido, and I love sex. I consider myself omni-sexual, though I prefer the ladies, and I have come to terms with the idea that as a male human, I will sexually enjoy almost anything that is both hot and moist when it is rhythmically applied to my genitalia. That's what's going on at the baseline of Joshua Gadbois, most of the time: I wants to has the sexorz.

But that's not all I am, of course. That's the basic biological feedback loop, but that doesn't mean I don't have social, tribal, mental, moral, ethical, and ego-istic overlays that channel that drive into ways that are healthy or unhealthy, depending on the situation.

Take some time to get to understand the sexual imperative that drives humanity as primates on the Earth. Look at it biologically. Learn to see how much of your personal behavior is actually about sex, all the time.

Also, compare and contrast how much of your behavior that is related with sex with those aspects of your behavior that aren't about sex all the time. Study yourself. Get to know what part of you is driving your choices, and learn to differentiate, and choose which parts of you are driving in the moment. It becomes a powerful thing.

Other People Don't Want to Hear It; Don't Be That Person When Folks Tell You

One of the most common things that happens to abused folks is that when we try to tell people we were abused, they don't believe us, or if they do, they try to shut us the hell up before we make a stink about it. That happened to me. My dad gets red and looks like he's going to have a heart attack if I bring up that guy these days.

So I don't.

My dad's not a bastard, and I love him, and I don't want to stress him out.

And that's how abusers get away with it. I'm part of the problem. That's shitty.

But I'm here for people who come to me with their experiences. I listen. I tell them it's not their fault, and that they should get counseling. Like in this blog post. I hug them in real life. I don't make fun of them.

When people bring it up, I do joke about how it actually felt good at the time, and how shitty that has been to deal with ever since. Mostly because that's been the biggest source of guilt and self-recrimination over the years. I joke about it because we joke about things to normalize them.

And I want to normalize the pain so that people experiencing it don't feel alone.

You were molested, but had an orgasm? Yea, that's both awful and awesome at the same time. On the downside, you were molested, but on the up side, every douche bag bragging about getting laid at 14 in the locker room was secretly your putz and you kinda felt cool about that, even though you also were crushed by the idea it made you somehow less of a person.

Making light of it doesn't make it light. It does, I hope, make it obvious that we all had that, and we all hated it, and enjoyed it at the same time.

Remember, that's why they get away with it. Because it's them taking advantage of nature and society to get off at your expense. That's what makes them predators.

It's not your fault.

Listen to people when they tell you they were abused. The first people abuse victims go to are friends and family.

THEY WILL NOT START WITH SAYING THEY ARE ABUSED.

They will float balloons, skirt the issue. If they finally come out and say they were abused, they will expect to be disbelieved, to have excuses made for the abuser.

And guess what, folks, that's you who makes excuses for your friends and family who are fucking over your friends and family, even when you were fucked over by your friends and family.

We all have circles of friends that include the creepy dude who stares too long, or who we know gets drunk and is inappropriate, or who we all suspect is a pedo, but we don't say anything. When we are approached with allegations of misconduct, the biological tribal response is to protect the herd:

Dave? Yeah, he gets handsy when he's drunk.

Steve? No, not Steve, he's not like that.

Joe? I just had pizza with Joe, he'd never do that.

And then what follows?

"Are you sure that's what happened?"

And then what?

"Can you prove it?"

Look, hopefully by now you get that we're chemical-infused animals working together to survive on planet Earth, most of the time. Protecting the herd is intrinsic, and that's our first instinct. Even when we've been abused, we are more likely to challenge the victim trying to get help from their tribe.

Don't do this.

If someone tells you they have been abused, listen. Listen to their story. Ask if they want to give more details. Offer help, suggest counseling, but listen.

And then take it to heart.

The person accused should immediately be suspect, regardless of social status and common regard by the rest of the tribe. Their reputation, skill sets, income, and prestige matters not jack, nor shit at that point.

If you have someone in your tribe fucking children or women over, fuck them, get rid of them. They are poison in the well.

Take it Up with the Source

As a Hermetic Magician, I travel through the Planetary Spheres regularly to gain initiation, integration, and insight into the kinds of forces that commingle to create this world we experience.

Even the molestation events are sourced in the planetary spheres, in different ways. There is a huge value to be found in taking our experiences, both positive and negative, to the spirit intelligences that we conjure in each of the planetary spheres to help understand what the actual fuck was going on.

And it brings you to peace over the situation. Every time we ascend the heavens and return in power, it is an alchemical act. When we take our most putrid experiences up and expose them to the heat of transformation, the impurities rise to the surface, and are consumed, evaporated, and dispelled, leaving a purified experience that brings wisdom instead of anger, peace instead of pain, and understanding instead of violence.

But it never dispels wrath. There is a just and righteous anger, and it gets to manifest when it needs to, just like everything else.

Taking our issues up through the spheres can help eliminate those parts of the experience that leave us with self destructive tendencies. I talked earlier about how we can feel less valuable to society and not go after higher paying jobs, but that's just money. Being molested can make us feel like we are here to please others in relationships as well. Or that our appearance of smiling joy in spite of the pain is ok. Or that we are doing the right thing by sublimating our anger, or by not ruining someone's life by letting what they did become public.

Each sphere can help you understand what you're going through, and a conjuration of the intelligence, a discussion of the issue, and then sitting to listen and observe what they have to tell you can be life changing.

And when you're done, you're in a really great place to curse the fuck out of the bastard that did it to you.

In Conclusion

So this has been one of the less-fun things I've had to write about. I hate that evil should be wrought in the world, and especially when it hits me and mine. But folks, this is us, and we live here.

So maybe you weren't abused, awesome. Maybe you were. You're awesome anyway. You were perfect, and that fucker was wrong.

If you were abused, please get help getting "over it" even though we never really do. Even when you think you're awesome, some fucker will try to tell you it's somehow the kids' fault for tempting the adults, and you'll just want to kill them, and that's ok too. As long as you don't, even if you want to.

You've earned the right to want to kill them.

And be ready to listen to someone talking to you about it. Don't doubt them because you think you know the abuser and they'd never do that.

And don't make excuses for them.

Listen. Love. Support. Be there.

And check out the resources for National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Some of them might be dumb, some might be super effective.

But read the fine print, and get the help you need.

Because a better you makes it a better world for the rest of us.

My Details of Abuse

My parents had started a charismatic christian church in Herscher, Illinois, population 1200, along with two other local charismatic families. Altogether, there were 6-8 adults meeting in a store front once a week to share sermons, and they took turns as "Pastor." Between them, there were 12 kids that all got put together when the adults were doing church stuff, ranging from the 17 year old abuser to me, the youngest.

He would babysit my sister and I when my parents went out, and he convinced me to do inappropriate things that I thought were cool and felt good at the time, but then he'd take me into the bathroom and we'd kneel and pray for forgiveness afterward, and he'd make me promise not to tell my parents. After a couple of these sessions, I was like, wait, if we have to pray for forgiveness and can't tell anyone, then I don't want to do it anymore, and when he tried to make me, I told him I'd tell, I'd tell everyone.

It's strange, I can remember a lot about that whole experience, but I can't remember the guy's name.

I told my parents about it 25 years later, when they were leaving my nephew with kids from their church that they trusted. My dad got pissed and told me the abuser was a family man now, with kids of his own who "didn't need this shit." I was like, dad, I'm not going to sue him or anything, I'm asking you to protect my nephew because you didn't protect me. He hung up on me, and we haven't talked about it since.